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What to do (and not do!) when a loved one comes out

October 22, 2020

What to do (and not do!) when a loved one comes out

A loved one has come out to you as queer...now what? 

Your niece has told you she’s a lesbian.
Your best friend has told you he’s pansexual.
Your cousin has let your whole family know that she’s trans, and to please call her something new.
Your ‘wife’ has told you he’s a man, and could you please call him your husband.
Your child has told you they are not actually your son or daughter - just your dazzling nonbinary child. 

If you’re an ally, even if you’re queer yourself, you may not know quite how to react when someone comes out. 

Maybe you haven’t thought of yourself as an explicit LGBTQ ally before, but now this person that you love needs you to figure it out. Where do you even start? 

Your internal journey is your own, but if you want to show up for your loved one I suggest thinking carefully about how you express yourself. Often very well meaning people say things that unintentionally poke old wounds, or steam roll over a conversation that likely took a lot of guts to start.

It’s going to be different for everyone, but here are my dos and don’ts when it comes to supporting a queer loved one when they come out as LGBTQ.

DON’T

  • DON’T minimize the importance of them telling you
- Well it doesn’t matter to me!
    • DON’T insert yourself into the discovery process
    - I always knew.
      • DON’T blame yourself (or anything! It’s not a blame situation)
      - Is it because I played softball when you were a kid?
        • DON’T assume all queer people know each other (ok look, sometimes we do, but don’t assume it all the same)
        - Do you know my second cousin’s friend Betty? She’s also a lesbian. 
          • DON’T generalize or make assumptions

          - Does this mean we are going to start going to drag shows?
          - So now that you’re a dyke, when are you going to cut your hair?

          • DON’T be patronizing

          - Welcome to womanhood!
          - OMG you’re so brave.

          • DON’T dump your fears and worries on them.

          - But what about having kids?
          - What will your aunt think?

          • DON’T ask invasive questions (unless they specifically say it’s ok, or if it’s relevant to your relationship). Google is your friend!
            - Are you going to get *the surgery*?
            - So how does the sex work?
            • DON’T argue about their experience
              - But you never acted like a boy - you loved playing dress-up! 
              - Or the ever popular: Well all girls feel like that about other girls*

                If a loved one has come out to you and some of these were your responses - don’t worry! Chances are your person knows that these sentiments come from a deep place of love and concern. The point of this list is not to shame you, but to offer a way forward that opens up more space and freedom for your relationship to flourish. It’s about being a better ally, not being a perfect ally.

                Remember, your loved one is the expert here - it’s their life. They are telling you truths that they have likely spent a very long time mulling over and coming to terms with. It doesn’t actually have to make sense to you yet.  And honestly, it might not for a very long time! That’s ok. 

                *if this is you, may I suggest, um...doing some self reflection, learning about compulsive heterosexuality, and maybe chatting with some friends? You too might be queer! But that’s another conversation. 

                DO

                • DO say thank you
                - I’m so glad you told me.
                - Thank you for letting me know you better.
                  • DO offer love and affirmation
                  - It makes me so happy to see you happy.
                    • DO offer tangible support
                    - Do you want me to tell Homophobic Uncle George so you don’t have to deal with him? 
                      • DO find someone else to talk to about any fears and worries! They are valid and real,  but not really helpful for the person who’s the subject of them. 
                      • DO normalize their identity
                      - So when do I get to meet your girlfriend? (but only if they have mentioned said girlfriend!)
                      - Practice new names and/or pronouns when they aren't around
                        • DO ask open ended and respectful questions
                        - Do you need anything from me?
                        - How are you feeling now that we’ve talked?
                          • DO celebrate, if appropriate!
                          - I always wanted a girl best friend!
                          - Do you want a party? Can I make you a cake?
                            • DO write down all your positive responses and feelings. Sometimes in person conversations are hard!

                            - Feel free to write an email or send them a card to make sure you have expressed all that you want to express. Maybe even this one, say? Bonus: they can look back on it when times are rough and know you’re in their corner.

                              Accept that they might not want to talk much about it

                              Accept that they might want to talk about it A LOT. 

                              Above all, act from a place of gratitude and follow their lead. 

                              Your queer loved one knows what they need far better than I, a stranger, ever could. You’ve got this. 

                              It’s ok to have your own feelings. Promise.

                              One last thing: your feelings are ok. Whatever they are: joy, trepidation, confusion, worry. They are all ok. You can’t help having your feelings.

                              However. You can control how much you let those feelings affect your relationship. 

                              It’s not your responsibility to eradicate complicated feelings on site, but it is your responsibility to sit with those emotions, interrogate, and work through them. 

                              Plus, to some extent having worries and fears makes sense. The world we live in is not set up to support queer and trans people. But trust me - your loved one is keenly aware of this, they don’t need you to remind them. Embracing a queer identity can also be a source of incredible joy, and that might be something they need you to reflect back to them in the coming years.

                              If you’re struggling with understanding any of this, there are many resources for partners, friends, and family of queer people. I cannot overstate how important it is that you build your own support network, whether that’s friends, a therapist, or even a queer affirming religious figure.

                              You’re doing great, feel free to ask me questions, and congrats on having more queer people in your life! 

                               

                              Thank you for letting me in - Coming out card

                              Further resources on being an LGBTQ ally

                              This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it’s a pretty good place to start! Have your own favorite resource, or want to weigh in on the dos and don'ts? Leave a comment and we'll add it to the list!

                              The Trevor Project Resource Center

                              For: Everyone! 
                              In my mind, the Trevor Project is one of the best LGBTQ+ nonprofits out there. They focus on crisis intervention and suicide prevention for queer youth, and these are excellent resources for both queer people and their allies. 

                              PFLAG

                              For: Parents
                              PFLAG is a support group for families and friends of LBTQ people, as well as an educational resource.  You can even find a local chapter near you!

                              My Kid Is Gay

                              For: Parents
                              This is a resource created a few years ago specifically for the parents of LBTQ children, whether they are kids, teens, or adults.  Most of it is in the form of Q&A.  It features stories of kids and their parents, with the parents talking about their process of dealing with their child coming out.  It also has some good information about concepts and definitions regarding gender and sexuality.

                              LGBTQ+ Affirmative Resources by Moriah Conant

                              From a Christian perspective
                              Moriah has compiled a list of sources that help elucidate what affirming christianity can look like. She is also working on a doctorate in clinical psychology and you can follow Moriah’s travels here: @mconantpsychology

                              Useful tips and lists from LGBTQ centers at universities: 

                              For: Allies
                              USC
                              UNC

                              Blair Imani

                              For: Everyone!
                              Blair Imani is a queer, black, writer, historian and activist. She is doing great work on her instagram channel and Patreon to educate people on anti-racism and queer rights.

                              Oprah Magazine

                              For: Allies
                              I really like this guide on how to be a better ally. It also includes a list of excellent nonprofits you can get involved with. 



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